Spousal Abuse
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This page has a checklist to give you some signs that help to identify an abusive relationship and some recommendations for securing your safety.
Behavior Checklist
Below is a behavior checklist, each is a tell tale sign of potential abuse. If many of these items apply to an individual realtionship, the more likely that the relationship is indeed one of abuse.
Always on your mind
1. Do you worry about what he will think about
your make-up? Or how you dress?
2. Do you ask him who you can go see or where
you can go?
3. Are you careful of what you say so that he will
not get upset?
4. Do you feel you are "walking on eggshells"?
Keeping you away from other people
1. Does your partner get angry when you
talk on the phone?
2. Does he open your mail?
3. Does he keep you from seeing a friend?
4. Is he angry when you are just a little late
getting home?
5. Does he want you home when he is home?
Putting you down: Humiliation
1. Does he call you names like "stupid", "bitch",
or "whore"?
2. Does he tell you what is "wrong" with you in
front of other people?
3. Has he made you do things that make you
feel ashamed?
4. Does he say that no one else would want you
or love you?
Threats
1. Does he threaten to leave you?
2. Has he said he will go crazy or kill himself if
you leave?
3. Does he say he will kill you or beat you if you
don't obey?
Feeling sick and tired
1. Does he keep you up late asking you about
men in your past?
2. Do you work so hard to please him that you
feel worn out?
3. Do you feel sick, yet you are not sure what
is wrong?
4. Are you unable to do things you used to do
easily?
Silly demands
1. Does he demand that dinner be served right
on the minute?
2. Does he insist that the house look just so?
3. Do you have to report how you spend every
dollar?
Sweet talk and threats
1. After he has been mean does he act sweet
and loving?
2. After he has hit you does he give you a
present or take you out?
3. When you decide to leave does he give you
hope for change?
Safety Plan
If you are in an abusive relationship, create a safe plan of action to help keep you and your children as safe as possible. Before the next episode of abuse, think about these things:
Make a plan of what to do and where to go if you are in danger. Tell your children of your plan if they are old enough to follow directions and if they can be trusted to not inform the abuser. Teach your children how and when to call 911.
If you have access to transportation, make sure it is in good repair and has gas.
Keep an extra set of keys to your home and vehicle in an accessible hiding place outside your home. If you are staying at home and the abuser may have copies of the house keys, get your locks changed.
Keep money hidden to help you get away. Save money from the grocery store or however you can if you don't have other sources of income. If possible, keep the money in a bank account in your name only, and keep the bankbook where the abuser won't find it.
Keep copies of all legal and financial papers so that you have a separate record of all social security cards, birth certificates, I.D., health and auto insurance, registration and titles, individual and joint checking and savings account numbers, passports, deeds, leases, immunization records, mortgage papers and your marriage certificate in a safe hiding place at work, a friends or with family.
Pack clothing for each child and yourself. Keep the bag in a safe hiding place in your car, at work, or with a neighbor or friend. Don't forget diapers, favorite toys, baby bottles and nonperishable canned formula. Also, pack refill information for any prescription medicines.
Be aware of any weapons in the house. Be aware of the safe rooms in the house (rooms with soft furniture, several exit doors, not the kitchen, bathroom, or garage)
Is there a neighbor you can tell about the violence and that you may need to them to call the police? If so, maybe work a signal such as lights blinking on and off, etc. Have a back-up plan of how to signal and where to go in case your first plan doesn't work.
If you leave, the most important think is to make sure you and your children are safe. Do not leave your children. If you must leave them for a short time, go back as soon as possible. If you are afraid, ask for a police escort. If your children are in school, pick them up from school and go.
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Signs that you have an abusive partner
* The last five items are signs that the individual is almost certainly a batterer.
1. Unemployed or Underemployment. Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.
2. Emotional Dependency. Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.
3. High Investment in Marriage. Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.
4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.
5. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.
6. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.
7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.
8. Abusive Family of Origin. Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
9. Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.
10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.
13. Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.
14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
15. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
16. Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.
17. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.
18. Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.
19. Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
20. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."
21. Reliance on Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
22. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).
24. Past Violence. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).
25. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.
26. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."
27. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."
28. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.
The material on this web page was prepared by Project Horizon, a non-profit entity, based in Lexington Virginia.
Project Horizon is dedicated to reducing domestic, dating, and sexual violence through crisis intervention services and prevention programs.